An Open Letter to Auburn Girlfriends and Wives


First of all, did I tell you how cute you looked today? Do something different with your hair? Is that a new dress? No. Oh well. I guess you just looked extra nice today, but really that’s everyday isn’t it?

As you probably heard NCAA 10 for Playstation3 and Xbox and Wii and everything else came out today. For that, I’m sorry. You have to know I had no control over that. It really just snuck up on me. So I won’t be able to make it to your cousin’s wedding this weekend. I know you are sad, but we both know that you didn’t really like her anyway and you were just going to to wedding to see how drunk your Uncle Jake was going to get and how many bridesmaids he was going to hit on.

Oh and your parents’ anniversary party next weekend? The one at the lake? Yeah, that’s not going to happen either. Look on the bright side, at least now you don’t have to watch your dad give me a scowl and mutter how I “ruined his little girl”. Tell them Happy Anniversary and whatnot.

I know what you’re thinking. It’s just a video game. I’m not sure how many times I have to remind you, it’s not. It’s more than a game. Remember last Christmas? When I asked for a New Mexico State Aggies shirt? You couldn’t understand why. Well, this is why. This is why it’s more than a game. I built that team up. From the ground up. I recruited and strategized and tweaked my playbook until finally, we got a shot at a BCS game. It took 3 seasons but when we got that Fiesta Bowl invitation I could tell good things were on their way. They certainly were. A season later we were back in the Fiesta Bowl, and we won it this time. Little NMSU. In the Big Show. Taking on Texas and winning that trophy. Then the hard work paid off, we got an invitation into the Big XII (bye bye Baylor) and by year nine we had two BCS championships and a Heisman Winner. I just wanted something special to commemorate that. Did I get that shirt? No. I didn’t. You got me a pair of Croakies and some Columbia Fishing shirts (which I love). When I asked about my beloved Aggies you just rolled your eyes and said something about “that stupid game”. Still, I’ve moved on. It still stings a bit, though.

I’d like to also take the time to apologize for that fight last year. The one where I called your sister a not so nice word (See You Next Tuesday) because her kid jammed a copy of Air Bud: Golden Receiver into my PS3. Yet it still had my copy of NCAA 09 in it. I know she’s six and didn’t know any better (still that’s not really an excuse).

I’m also like to go ahead and apologize in advance for whatever fight is going to occur over the next two months. I’ll just go ahead and say it now, “It’s my fault. Totally my fault. I’m sorry honey”. I went ahead and bought some apology cards from Hallmark in advance just to be safe (I think 12 should do).

I know you don’t “get it”. You don’t understand why I continually slam my controller down and yell things at a tv screen. Or that time when I took little pixelated Kodi Burns into the promised land of the BCS and I shed a tear when he was at the Heisman Ceremony. He earned that trophy. So did I.

You keep saying it’s just a game. Again, you’re wrong. Still I love you. I think it’s cute when you want to play against me. However, we’ve learned that lesson didn’t we? I hope you’ve improved your game from last year. Just because you are learning the game is no excuse for the drubbing I laid on you last year. 210 to 7. Seriously, honey, if you can’t run with the Big Dogs, then stay on the porch. It was cute you wanted to try though.

So, I just decided to write you this letter, as sort of a preemptive strike. I won’t be seeing much of you this week or next or really that much for the next two months. It doesn’t mean I don’t love you. Hardly. It’s just that right now the focus should be on my Dynasty. That’s what’s important. I hope you understand.

If you don’t agree, then let me call to mind the past two months. Remember how I was super helpful? How I babysat your cousin. How I took out the trash without being asked? How I bought you those new shoes? How about how I watched all of the Bachelorette and didn’t complain ONE TIME. Even when that dude wanted to lick that chick’s toes. I even went to see the Proposal with you. Even though you know how much I wanted to see The Hangover and you know how much I hate Ryan Reynolds. I still saw the proposal. Remember when you’re friend Sarah came into to town because her boyfriend dumped her? How she stayed up all night crying and you two ate Ice Cream and talked about how stupid men are? Did I say anything besides “Yes. Honey; You are so right honey”? No. I didn’t. I was supportive even though Sarah had it coming. I know I said I’d go kick her boyfriends ass. But really all that was done so I could get some points for July 14th, when I’d finally be reunited with EA Sports NCAA 10. Oh, and I’m not kicking Sarah’s boyfriends ass. He’s a freaking Marine for crissakes. He’d kill me.

But just know I still love you. I’m just telling you what you can expect. I’ll see you in September.


Auburn Husbands and Boyfriends.


Chris said…

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