Another Open Letter to Auburn Wives and Girlfriends

Hey, honey. First, a little explanation is in order I guess. You probably already know what's going on after my letter last time. In an attempt to be completely honest I should tell you that I didn't leave dinner with your parents last night because I was sick (although the talk of your mom going through menopause and getting "the heat" as your Dad called it was making me a little nauseous). No, I actually left because I needed to get in line at Gamestop. Yes, it's that time again. NCAA 2011 came out last night (or this morning, to be honest I don't know, I've been so giddy and excited over the release for the past three days that I've been in a Redbull induced buzz for 64 hours, so my days are starting to run together). So instead of finishing that thrilling conversation with your folks, I spent 5 hours in line listening to store clerks argue about Battlestar Galactica. Still, it was worth it because it's that time again. NCAA 2011 is here.

Now, before you start going into me about how I don't spend enough time with you and "Why Don't You Ever Get Excited about something we do, like you do for 'that game'". A couple of things, "that game" as you called it, is more than a game. It's a passion. We'll go in to the later. As for spending time with you? Let me remind you about what I did, not 2 weeks ago. That's right. I was there (with you) for a midnight showing of Eclipse. Me, you, and theatre full of librarians and teenage girls. Even though I have issues with Twilight at its very core (Bottom Line: Vampires are Dracula abominations that shouldn't "sparkle" in the sun; they should burn like the hell beasts they truly are) I still supported you. Yes, I did sneak a flask into the theatre but honestly that was the only way I was going to make it through. I was there and I supported you in all that Twilight nonsense (whatever "that" ends up being, hopefully we've only got 3 years left on this crazy train of vampires and Forks and werewolves and, ugh just the fact that I know all this makes me want to watch Australian Rules football, if only to feel manly again).

So, I got on the Twilight bandwagon with you. I even let you call me "Edward" a couple of times when we made out. I didn't even mind it when you wanted to name our new dog Jacob. I've been with you through all that and I've paid my dues. I even tried to read the books. I guess the key word should be "tried". Actually, I ripped out pages of my third copy of Phil Steele in the book instead of actually reading Twilight. Oh, I guess I should also explain why I bought 3 Copies of Phil Steele's football Annual. It's simple. I keep one to preserve, keep one for the bathroom, and a third for notes. Not to make it a bargaining chip but I tolerated and supported you turning into a preteen girl again (without the Lisa Frank notebook and slap bracelets) with Twilight. Simple as that. That should at least buy me a month of uninterrupted gaming.

You said, "It's the same game every year". It's not. Each year is different. What's new for Auburn in the game? Two words: Cam Newton. That's right. No more fixing Kodi Burns's passing attributes or making Chris Todd actually semi mobile (seriously, he was a dang statue in NCAA 10). I've got a QB that has both. Do you know what I could do with a legit mobile QB in the game? Hello Flexbone!

This year Tim Tebow is on the cover. That alone should be reason to buy the game. Hail Tebow, full of speed, the football is with thee. Blessed art thou amongst QBs, and blessed are the fruits of thy funky throwing motion, touchdowns. Hail Tebow, QB from Florida, who has a ring and Heisman but still couldn't beat Auburn. Every time I look at the cover I'll be reminded of Urban Meyer trying to unsuccessfully ice Wes Byrum and Trey Smith rolling into the endzone after a blocked punt. Good times, Tebow, good times.

There's also Team Builder. You kept wondering why I got to be good friends with your cousin down at the University of South Alabama. That's because I wanted to make sure every detail of the uniforms and logos would be perfect for my created team. Hopefully, and with a little luck, my plucky created South Alabama Jaguars will replace Vanderbilt (or even Alabama) after a few solid seasons.

Finally, you wondered what I had been doing for the past two weeks. Why I had a notebook with every Auburn player on the roster and what you called "some weird math in the margins". That "weird math" is my player rating formula which (after carefully cross checking with the actual EA Sports formula) will give me the most realistic Auburn football experience.

So where do we go from here? Well I have you covered. I have already TiVO'd 4 episodes each of Army Wives and Drop Dead Diva, plus there is some movie with Jennifer Love Hewitt as a mom-turned-prostitute. I might watch that with you, actually, but I think the movie I want it to be will be a lot different from the movie on Lifetime. Why do you think I put two TVs in the living room? You can still watch your shows (but only on the little TV during gametime, please) and I even bought you a nice pair of headphones so you can listen in peace.

In closing, we've gone through this time before. Yes, it can be a little trying, but we can get through it. We have for the last 5 years, we can do it again. A video game won't ever be able to replace you. However, EA sports might be working on it. So you're still good. For now.


Dan said…
Can you hook me up with some of that funky math because as things are right now, the o line gives up (their blocks) quicker than the French.
kevin0ives said…
A trick I use is to change the strategy on offense to "aggressive" (there should be a sub menu for linemen holding blocks). I then change the House Rules so that Holding Penalties aren't called as often to compensate.
Anonymous said…
dude, seriously, how old are you? you talk about your wife returning to her pre-teen years with the twilight series, but it sounds like you have never left yours. grow up!
kevin0ives said…
Actually, I'm unmarried. It was all done as a joke. This is not and never will be a real letter.

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